Do You Feel Drained Around Others?
Many people feel tired and drained at work or around other people. It is common to feel tired and drained around others. As a counselor and spiritual caregiver, I know that it is very important to learn how to work and be around others without feeling drained. This article is a description of this issue, from a pastoral counselor's perspective, as well as an introduction to the solution.
I am aware that there may be physical environmental factors that contribute to feeling drained--such as electrosmog from electrical and electronic equipment (such as computers). Some people say there may even be the effect of cell phones, cordless phones or Wifi nearby. Other people warn of the possibility of chemicals in the air coming from furniture, carpets, cleaning chemicals or poorly filtered air.
The reader may wish to research these possibilities and perhaps consult with an environmental professional or a medical practitioner. Since I am a counselor I cannot address these issues other than mention them in passing as something to find out more about. Of course, there is just plain fatigue--working too hard or trying to do too much. If this describes you, then cut back a little so that your body can rest. Finally there may be physical health issues that should be checked out by your doctor or medical practitioner.
Like I said, I cannot comment on any of the above areas other then to mention them and encourage you to get help from the appropriate professional.
But what I can talk about are emotional and spiritual factors involved. I have been lecturing and writing for over 20 years about the psycho-spiritual causes of stress.
From an emotional and spiritual perspective, the reason why we feel tired and drained around people is because, frankly, many people ARE tiring and draining.
They drain us because they tempt us to react, to resent, and to respond to them. They nag, tease, or pressure us until we react. Then we resent their having gotten to us. Our resentment makes us feel guilty, and so we bend over backwards to be nice to them (to placate guilt). Soon the whole cycle starts again--we give our all, only to find they are taking advantage. We resent them (or ourselves) for this--and this leads to the vicious cycle repeating itself over and over.
Another type of temptation is that people are the source of is tension. There is the tension of unfinished business, the tension of injustice, and the tension of confusion. Other people may be the source of the temptation, but it is our own resentment that hurts us most of all. Instead of clearing the air and being outspoken (with calmness and patience) we become angry and clam up. We suppress our hostility and say nothing. So we end up tense around such people.
Often the person is someone near to you--a family member or a workmate. So tense and repressed and suppressed do we become that we vent our suppressed anger on someone else (like our kids) or we turn to drugs or alcohol to artificially calm down. But these legal or illegal drugs or alcohol drain us too! They have the power to drain us of energy and money (since they are expensive) because they are temptations themselves. We are using them for an artificial peace instead of finding peace with God and learning to be more forgiving.
Therefore, other people tempt us to react and give up energy. Once we become conditioned to react, even innocent people drain us too. People or situations that make us resentful and angry cause us to suppress hostility and become tense. The tension cries out for relief through drugs, alcohol, sex or violence.
Can you see, in very basic terms, that even just reacting to others, getting upset by them, and then having secret resentment towards them cause tension, because we feel uneasy about ourselves and off balance?
If you are reacting (and having others push your buttons) or resenting, you are not living gracefully and are not inwardly impelled. You sense this at some unplumbed level of your being and it makes you feel anxious and uneasy. Tense, in other words.
Tension cries out for relief. And whatever you use to relieve the tension (even work or exercise!), drains you.
Mark this well: work will not drain you if it is natural, not wrong, and in accord with your nature. It becomes easy and an outflow of your creative self--like the way little kids play. If it is done resentfully or your motive or motivation is wrong, or the work itself is dishonest, it will drain you. Likewise exercise.
Honest and decent work--an honest day's pay for an honest day's work--will not drain you (unless you resent it). A day of decent work leaves you naturally tired at the end of the day and ready to enjoy a good night's sleep to then wake up refreshed and renewed in the morning.
Dishonest work, work ambitiously or resentfully will drain you. Why? Because the work has become a temptation and it has the power to drain you. Phony and ambitious environments drain. So does unethical work or work where you do not earn your living.
One more thing, if your work is right but you are still feeling tense and drained, it is most likely because either you are trying too hard (relax!), or you are resentful about something. Careful not to resent your work. Most of us have had jobs that were not very fulfilling, but if it is decent work and pays the bills, be grateful for it and don't resent it. Things are always changing--one day you may have a better job. In the meanwhile, there is nothing wrong with working with your hands
Before describing this typical situation in more detail, I want to quickly mention the solution. I am solution oriented, and the solution is the most important thing. We ought not to be reacting to people and feeling drained; nor should we be causing reacting in others. We ought to live with each other like flowers, each growing separately and loving the same sun, but not living off of each other.
You see, when we respond and react to the temptation in others, we give up energy. The tempter gets our energy, and we feel drained. Then we are compelled to take it out on someone else and drain that person. Thus we become more like animals, where the bigger dog defeats and drains a smaller dog; or like a fungus parasite living off another life form.
We are spiritual beings in a body. If we do not have an independent source of life (our Creator), we are obliged to plunder and take energy from others, or else take energy from our own body cells to serve king or queen ego. The solution is this. We must learn to live with people without having them live off of us. We must learn to live with others without living off of them. It was the temptation operating through someone (your mother, for example) who first teased you with confusion or cruelty or pulled on your heart strings and got you reacting emotionally.
Once your body started responding, a conditioning process set in; and before long you could not stop reacting. Let me also say that once you become conditioned to react and give up energy, the mere presence of another person (or someone with mannerisms like a tempter from the past) will cause reacting and a giving up of energy. So other people might drain you without their being a temptation or wanting to drain you.
This brings us to the issue of feeling tired and drained not because of the work but because of the work environment. The workplace is full of temptation. Bosses and coworkers are demanding. There is injustice. There is plenty of tease, such as gossip or intrigue. Workplaces tend to be ambitious environments, tempting us to react, try hard, set goals and give our all. No wonder we feel tired and drained!
Now that you know why people are draining, I will address what to do about it. You must learn to be around people without reacting to them emotionally. It is okay to work, go to school, have friends, get married, engage in recreation and so on--but just don't react emotionally to everyone and everything. Learn to be around people without being too close. Mentally stand back and observe your reactions. Don't struggle with your reactions or try to suppress them (this will only tire you more). Just watch them. Begin to notice all the little unnecessary responses and reactions you make.
As time passes, you will learn to catch yourself just before you begin getting angry or excited, for example. Avoid people who are especially draining if you can. If you must be around them, just remain a bit mentally distant. Do your work, go about your business as calmly as you can, and watch out for resentment. If you are like most people, you are so reactive after a lifetime of reacting, you will need a little help in learning how to stand back and be a little more detached.
A stress reduction meditation--one that takes into account all that I have just said--is very helpful and may be necessary. There is also a direct link between being ambitious and willful and our eventual deterioration and debilitation. That is why you must learn to meditate for mental distance. Learn to stand back, realize, and flow from realization. From the neutral zone, you will begin to be able to see what things capture your attention and seek to involve you emotionally. You will also see where you are struggling, straining, and applying effort--when graceful ease is all that is needed.
You will also see activities that you will find you are no longer interested in doing. Some of them were programmed into you. Others are just no longer needed. But you became locked into them through resentment and struggle. Some activities will still be necessary (such as work, for example) but you will be able to learn how to work without strain. If the work is not for you, you might have to change your work. Or perhaps stay where you are while saving money to make a change. Other work or work environments are just not right for you, and you will be able to leave and find something else. If the work is okay, then all you need do is change your motivation--learn to flow gracefully instead of straining out of resentment.
Some people feel drained at home, and it is often because you are resentful toward someone there. Learn not to resent your mom, dad, wife, husband, kids or anyone. Don't resent your aging parents if they make demands on you. Some moms are run ragged by everyone because she can't say no and feels responsible for everyone. They learn to take advantage. In this case, mom, meditate and learn to let go of resentment and judgment. When the resentment and judgment are gone, you will be able to say no to demands (from people who should be doing something for themselves) without feeling guilty.
Other people are literally being drained at home by someone who is living off them. There is such a thing as a psychic vampire. Wrong people have no independent life source and they have to tempt, nag, irritate or pull on your heart strings to tempt you of your life. Watch out for this sort of thing. Meditate for mental distance. You will see who is draining you. Don't resent them and through meditation you will be able to seal yourself off from being drained.
If you see what I am saying, you might just put the article down and go and meditate. Just becoming aware that you are resentful is already a big breakthrough step. Most of us are not even aware of how resentful we are. Resentment, you will recall, is a reaction and a draining one.
The proper meditation is the antidote to fixating, reacting, and struggling. When you learn to calm down, slow down, and stop straining, your body will have a chance to rest and recuperate. Watch out for resentment. It is perhaps the worst form of willful struggle, where another person upset you into struggling resentfully.
The meditation that we offer at the Center for Common Sense Counseling is very spiritual and practical. It teaches you how to stand back and see the big picture. It permits you to become re-centered and to begin living your own life, flowing from within instead of reacting to everything.
Update!
The 5 minute meditation is a short but powerful version of my longer and more elaborate meditations.
Some people have found that the 5 minute meditation gets quick results and helps them calm down by getting out of negative thinking and finding distance from negative emotion.
It is designed to quickly help anchor you in the present. For a limited time, I am offering it free to try. I have also made my short lecture on successful coping free. If you give it a try and find it helpful, you may be interested in the following offer.
A special offer from Dr. Roland Trujillo
Free bonus meditation audio and 3 eBooks as a token of our appreciation for a donation of $10 to help Roland. Introducing the special 5 minute meditation stress fix.
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Are you upset all the time? Do you have a problem managing certain emotions? Do you get lost in worry? Are you confused about life and where you are going? Are you having trouble emotionally coping with life or relationship issues? If so, are you interested in trying a meditation that has helped some people recover balance and natural self control which is not dependent on external support?
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