The Art of Dealing with Manipulative and Controlling People

Over the years I have written and lectured extensively on dealing with manipulative and controlling people. I especially wish to help the adult child learning to deal with manipulative, confusing and impatient parents.

The basic advice that I give is to learn to be around them without resenting them. Resentment (and anger and hostility) cut us off from our own inner ground and render us negative and even feeling inferior (because of the guilt for resenting).

The first thing to watch for and let go of is resentment. When we are resentful, we tend to go to extremes: we are angry and do or say the wrong things on the one hand, or we wimp out, clam up and become a doormat on the other hand. Both extremes are wrong. When we are angry toward others, we are wrong too. We might even become a bully (just like them) to our kids. This is not good.

The other extreme is to go along and let the manipulative ones get away with their games and subtle cruelties. We become repressed (and might suffer physical symptoms, such as upset tummy or tension headache), and worse yet, we become an enabler. Our cowardice and failure to speak up literally enables and empowers them to get worse. Another thing resentment does is make us doubt ourselves. Falling away (through resentment) into judgment, we feel guilty and start to doubt ourselves. We then fail to say what perhaps should have been said because our resentment undermines us.

An angry person can also become a complete wimp because he or she is afraid of what he will say when he is angry, so he suppresses his anger. Heart attack or ulcer anyone? He must learn to speak up, but without anger and hostility.

Out in the world we have to deal with all manner of bullies, tyrants, phony manipulators (who control us with holier than thou false air of sanctimony), as well as bosses, bureaucrats, and pushy salesman. There are also manipulative wives and husbands. Even our kids can become tyrants if we try to control them with niceness (so they disrespect us for our manipulations) or we are so guilty for impatience that we try to please and appease them.

Perhaps you can also see what the result of resenting and giving in to tyrants at a societal level is? You end up with two camps: conformists and rebels. The conformist is the one who never rocks the boat, who always goes along for perks or for peace. Underneath his is usually seething with resentment, but not having the courage or the grace to stand up, he remains subject to those who he is in the process of becoming. His only hope is that of promotion. One day we will become the domineering mother he puts on a pedestal, the boss he hates, or the motivator he admires. One day he will become just like them to the next generation.

The second type of person is the rebel who hates his conformist brother and does everything he can to rebel against the hypocrisy of the conformists. The trouble is that the rebel is wrong too. He is correct about what he sees, but he is wrong for the resentment. By resenting them, he becomes inferior and full of guilt. Soon he will find other rebels to drink, smoke and take drugs with—and they will support each other in their angry rebellion.

However, there is a third type of person, who I hope you, the reader, may become. This person sees the manipulation and the hypocrisy, but he or she does not resent it. Because s/he does not resent, he can remain truly independent and truly creative. He, like the rebels, is opposed to hypocrisy and tyranny, but he is able to stand his ground with grace and courage because he is not resentful. He becomes a rebel of sorts, but more along the lines of a George Washington or Moses.

He is against the hypocritical status quo, but he or she is free of it by not resenting it. He or she is free to establish and enlightened order where people are free in the family or the country. This type of person is able to disagree without becoming disagreeable. He is able to patiently joust with those (such as his wife or parent) who are controlling and manipulative. And his patient persistence, without resentment, may even awaken some of them to see their wrong and repent of them.

Those who do not take kindly to his clear seeing of what they are up to and his patient persistence will possible over-react themselves to his good, and now they are resentful of the good. The shoe is on the other foot. But their resentment works against them. Being pressure sensitive, they will be compelled to go along with the good whether they like it or not. Others of the pressure mongers will not be able to stand the bright light of truth exposing them for what they are and will rush away and leave him alone. Plus having reacted to truth, they develop a fear of encountering truth again and they are less likely to try to pressure someone else.

But regardless of whether the petty tyrant comes around to your point of view or not, it does not matter. It is none of your concern. Just continue being your plain old spontaneous self, observe them with a twinkle in your eye, and you and yours (your kids) will be safe. I have included this preamble because I want to impress upon you, the reader, the importance of dealing with others without resentment. Resentment also robs us of reason, and often we might be in error of misjudging another ourselves.

How often have you misjudged someone; only to later find out that they were not as bad as you thought? Or you found out that you did not know all the circumstances? You are then glad that you did not say anything at that time. So if you harbor some resentment, before you judge or act, first go to work on your own resentment. Watch for it each time it rises and let it pass. Then when you are not resentful or angry, you will be clear to see the situation objectively and also clear to say or do what is appropriate or wise.

Bear in mind that sometimes people just need watching. When they note that you are no longer upset and resentful, they feel observed. Often this is enough to get them to clean up their act.
If you had never been resentful (and if you had someone with wisdom who taught you some of the things I am now relating), you would be able to deal with every type of person you encounter with courage, wisdom, grace, and firmness but kindness. But you have been resentful, and so you undoubtedly have a hard time coping with some people—such as a teacher who is like your mother (who knows how to wrap you around her little finger), or a coworker who is like a teacher of long ago who intimidated you.

Perhaps you have trouble with men who are like your irresponsible dad, or a coworker who knows how to sugar coat all her requests (demands) so as to make you upset, and then she knows you will do her bidding out of guilt.

Because most of our problems started with unloving and unloved (or at least confused, weak, or impatient) parents—we keep duplicating the relationship we had with our parents as we go through life. We even marry someone who is like our dad or our mother. But now that you, the reader, are big and grown up, it is time to start acting in a more spiritually mature way. Not as a lily livered conformist (and you will tempt your kids to rebel), nor as an angry rebel. You must learn to deal with every quirky character you encounter with grace and wisdom.

The foundation of your new way of relating is

1. Watch for resentment and when you see it, let it pass.

2. Learn to stand back and observe others like a parent might observe naughty kids. You can see what they are up, but you don’t resent them for it. Then you can speak spontaneously, and what you say will be right. Or if nothing needs to be said, you will see that also.

3. When you encounter someone like you angry dad, your cruel older brother, your manipulative mom or whoever—first watch for the resentment. Learn to be around them without resentment.

This does not mean that you have to like them or approve, just quietly watch for the resentment and let it go. If you have let go of your resentments (and if you don’t know how, my meditation is helpful because it teaches you how to gain mental distance), then you will have to begin speaking up for yourself. In the past, you repressed and suppressed and said nothing because of the hostility. You said the wrong thing and it made you look bad. You undoubtedly became intimidated and then through a process of conditioning, you developed a pattern of resentful giving in and fear of speaking up.

You may have made the mistake of appeasement—thinking that by being extra nice, you could fool them into being nice to you. You always end up worse off. Or perhaps you were actually bamboozled by someone’s false goodness, and you went along thinking that you two could do great things together. Later you found out that you were being betrayed. But now, with a clear mind and a clean conscience, you will have to begin speaking up for yourself.

Even if your knees are knocking and your heart is pounding. Even if your voice is shaking. You’ll get the words out. They won’t like it of course. They are used to having you under their thumb. They will undoubtedly purple the air with confusion or accuse you of being mean or ungrateful. Never mind. Just hold your ground. You had something to say and you said it. You have a right to express yourself. If they try to confuse you or accuse you, this is just another chance for you to practice patience. They won’t know it but they are doing you a favor. They are giving you a chance to reverse the wrong pattern of reacting and a chance to practice patience.
In the beginning, don’t be surprised to see a lot of repressed hostility bubble forth. If it does, then just say “I’m sorry about the anger, but I’m still right about what I said.”

When they see that you can’t be upset, they might try the ploy of showering you with praise and flattery. Careful. Don’t fall for it. It is just a ruse. Don’t resent them either. Just stand back and see what they are up to.

Don’t get pulled into an argument. Just state your points. Then take leave. If you get pulled into an argument, it is just a ploy to make you upset again, or worse yet, resentful. Learn to let foolish arguments and distractions just go in one ear and out the other.

Take it easy. Rome want’ built in a day. There is more hostility and resentment in you than you realize. Just do what you can from day to day. Watch for little reactions, irritations and resentments. Notice them and let them pass.