How to Stop Resenting your Partner and Save your Marriage - One Senior Pastor's View

There's nothing unusual about couples arguing. It's as old as the hills. I'm sure Eve resented Adam and would never let him forget how he got them kicked out of paradise and thrown out on the street.

She probably reminded him every day about his failing. And he probably did what most husbands do: he resented his wife and blamed her.
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New! Dr. Roland Trujillo says all couples argue in recent radio interview. Read the transcript.
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Couples are arguing from Miami to Seattle. And if you go to Taipei, Moscow, Rome, Mexico City or Sidney--you will hear the same squabbling, except in a different languages.
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Yet all newlyweds start off looking forward to a life of happiness. They are sure that they won't make the mistakes their parents made. But lo and behold, a few months or years later, history repeats itself. She feels unloved and he feels trapped. She is unhappy about something and he can't figure out what she wants. Something is going on underneath.
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On the surface, there is squabbling, nit picking, nagging, sniping, or long periods of silence. Then, you have the workaholic husband who thinks everything is fine, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, she says her needs are not being met and she wants a divorce. But underneath the surface is resentment, misunderstanding, and selfishness.

We have been misled and have lost our way. If only we had understanding.
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Doesn't it seem odd that after 6,ooo years of human history, we still haven't figured out what's wrong? The best minds and experts have had thousands of years to work on the problem, tens of thousands of books have been written, and somehow it still eludes their grasp.

Let me ask you question. Ladies, if you saw deeply that your husband is just a man, and he inherits his nature from Adam; that all men have failed their wives; that what wives and kids need from dad is is a special fatherly agape emotionless love, but he probably hasn't found it yet. . . . If you saw, really saw, that he cannot give you what he, himself, has not yet found. . . would you still resent him? Or might you possibly have compassion?

And would you not in your heart of hearts hope that he might one day find it?

This "it" of which I speak is, of course, real love.

Were he to find it, his problem would be over and so would yours (if you love the goode for which he would stand).

Now, most likely you're wanting something from him that he can't give get in the way of his finding himself, especially if you are still trying to change him.

But were he able to find a special faltherly agape love, your giving him a hard time would only awaken him to where he is failing and he would find it in himself to become the noble knight you need him to be.

And would you not in your heart of hearts hope that he might one day find it?

It would be wonderful if he found this fatherly love. But if you can learn to not resent him and if you can give up judgment and contempt for men and their weakness, love could spring within you. Not a love you give yourself, but the love of the Father you have never known, who forgives us and rewards us with His warmth when we forgive others.

You do not have to wait on your husband to find himself. If he does, that would be nice. If he does not, you can find peace of mind and joy through forgiveness and finding love within.

This special love that most men lack can only come through them from God. But you will recall that Adam (with the enabling codependent love of his wife who he used to support his pride) doubted and disobeyed God, bringing separation from God, and death on the whole human race.

This fallen, earthy death oriented existence is what we are all born into (but there burns in our hearts the hope of redemption).

The man must find an inner connection with the Creator, whereby he can share in the life and light from God and then share it with his family.

But as long as he looks to his wife, boss, minister, work, or the accountability group for support, he won't find the support from God.

Remember how the women around Jesus loved Him? He was the first man who did not use them. He loved them as a person and not an object of use. He was the first man who did not fail them. (Men, can you see why you must not look to your wife for support and why you must find an inner rapport with God so that you can begin to fail less and less). When you love her as a person and when you learn to be more fatherly, you won't tempt her by your anger or wimpiness to resent you.
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There now, I have teased you with a little preview. You see, your own Bible has the story of how enmity came between the sexes, how men fail, how their wives resent them (and support their man's wrong). And both become more and more guilty and resentful.
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The Bible has the answer: forgiveness, patience, and understanding. And there is a plan of salvation from separation from God and from the fallen existence based on emotions, compensation, pride and the enslaving love of the world.

But words alone are not enough to convey it to you. The words do not have the power to make it happen, only to awaken you to what you have still not found. You have to see the truth and understand it deeply.

You have to understand it so deeply that you see why you must not resent your husband.

And you men have to see it so deeply that you understand why you must be inwardly motivated, and not look to anyone on the outside (including your wife) to support your character. You must see so deeply why you must be principled, honorable, and never take advantage that you will never be tempted to fall for even the smallest temptation.
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Maturing, being less selfish, and having more compassion for each other's plight, you could become very good friends instead of bringing out and supporting the worst in each other.
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The latest thing people are trying is just living together instead of getting married. People see their parents arguing, so they reason that if they don't get married and just live together, they won't have the same problems their parents had. But of course, it doesn't work.

In fact, the studies are showing that on just about every scale: break-ups, arguing, kids having problems and so on, informal arrangements are no better.
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You see, marriage is not the problem. Marriage is an institution ordained by God. It is a framework within which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.
Instead of blaming marriage, we need to look at human nature and how we relate to each other. . . . . . . . .

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